錦德家族

關於部落格
完成編輯
活佛老師慈訓

2011年7月10日

(發一崇德泰國道場)

為師想給徒兒們一篇

「自禱文」

亦是「祝禱文」

好嗎 要嗎(要)

人人手抱合仝 細細聆聽

「現在的我

是多麼的幸福

現在的我

是多麼的知足

現在的我

正受著上天無盡的庇護

走在光明燦爛

多彩多姿的修辦路上

我是多麼的幸運與幸福

這人生真是一門深入

我要將這一份幸福

與這一份幸運

永遠的傳輸

讓不幸的人

感受到這一份幸福

讓不幸的人

領受到這一份幸運

這是我的使命

這是我的責任

我要當菩薩的千手千眼

 我要當人間的菩薩

這是我的使命

這是我的責任

我要當菩薩的千手千眼

我要當人間的菩薩」

好嗎(好)

此一篇希望徒兒們每天晨起

與就寢之時各複誦一遍

溝通的智慧

溝通不是說來說去,而是用心建立關係。溝通的藝術中首重瞭解對方言默之道
Communication is more than just dialogues. It is the relationship-building between hearts.    One high priority in the art of communication is to discern the body language of the communicators.
人與人之間如何溝通,增加彼此的瞭解? 
How can heart to heart communication happen so that all involved can understand others better?
人際間又應當如何互動,以增進彼此的友誼? 
How should the interpersonal interactions be conducted so that friendship could be deepened?
讓筆者先向您說個笑話:
 Let me start with a joke:
話說,戒酒中心為了幫助學員認識酒精對人體的危害,課堂桌上放著三個杯子,一杯是蚯蚓,一杯是清水,一杯是烈酒。
Well, an Alcoholic Anonymous Center adopted a special strategy to illustrate the harm of alcohol to human body.  On the classroom table, three cups were put there. One with an earthworm,  the other one with water, and another one with strong liquor inside.
教授在清水和烈酒兩個杯子中,各放入一條蚯蚓。
The instructor put one earthworm into  each cup  that already had water and liquor.
學員們定睛注視3分鐘後,清水杯裡的蚯蚓依舊生龍活虎,烈酒杯中的蚯蚓扭動兩三下後,靜寂了。
Three minutes after the attendees watched with much intensity, the earthworm was still kicking and bouncing in the one with water, but the earthworm in the liquor struggled for a few wiggles and gave up its ghost.
教授抬頭問:「從這個實驗中,你們學到什麼教訓?」
The instructor then asked: “What did you learn from this experiment?”
頓時,一片寂靜。A long silence permeated the room.
正是無聲勝有聲時,坐在後排的一位學員突然舉手說:「如果我們經常喝酒,肚子裡就不會長蟲!」
Finally, one student broke the silence and offered:  If we drink liquor consistently, then no worms would survive in our stomach!”
如果「蚯蚓與酒」這樣一個簡單的說明示範,都會讓人產生巨大的歧見,人際溝通中試圖準確理解對方意象的困難程度,也就可想而知了。
If a simple illustration as the“Earthworm and Liquor” can result in such great gap of perspectives, how much harder it would be to attempt to comprehend the exact intention of a communicator!
傾聽的藝術  
The Art of Listening
談到「溝通」,人們最先想到的是「說話的藝術」。然而,「聽的藝術」並不亞於「說的藝術」,懂得說的人也常常是懂得聽的人。簡言之,成功的溝通不僅會說,更是會聽。
When we read of “communication”, the first thought that cross our mind is “the Art of Speech”.  However, “the Art of Listening” is just as important.  Those who are good at speech are usually good listeners, too.  To summarize, a successful communicator is not only good at speaking, but also good at listening.
《雅各書》作者說:「你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說……存溫柔的心領受那所栽種的道。」(雅1:19, 21) 
In the Book of James, the author says: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak …and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.” (James 1:19, 21)
舊約聖經中也說:「未曾聽完先回答的,便是他的愚昧和羞辱。」(箴18:13) 可見《聖經》早就指出聆聽的重要。The Old Testament also mentioned: “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”(Proverbs 18:13)
傾聽的要旨在於瞭解一個完整的故事或事件,首要的態度是專注和用心。傾聽技巧至少包含以下五大面向:
The key of  a good listening skill lies in having a global picture of the whole story or event. To attain the goal, one must be attentive and engaged. The skill of listening involves at least five dimensions:
1.參與交談互動:察言、觀色、詢問並適時插入問話,讓對方感受到你是專心的 。
1.Participation in the act of listening:  Listen intently, and observe the facial expression and interject appropriate questions at proper moments, so that the speaker would sense that you are paying attention to what he/she says.
2.認同他人經驗:尊重對方的感受,發出一些認同的話,如「聽起來很重要」或「我感覺到你十分看重此事」等。
2.To empathize with the speaker’s experience: Paying due respect to the other person’s feelings, and respond with some words of understanding, like “It sounds like quite important thing.” or “I can sense how much this means to you.”
3.邀請對方表達:「能不能請您多說明一點有關……」、「我想聽聽你對這件事的看法」等,當然,如果對方離題了,你可以說:對不起,讓我們回到正題,好嗎? 
3.Invite the input from the other person:  “Would you please elaborate a bit on what you said…”, “I would appreciate your perspective on this matter” etc.  Of course, when the subject is being digressed, you could also gently remind: “I am sorry, but could we get back to the original topic?” 
4.綜合歸納總結:若對方已說了不少話,你可以做個小結論,問對方是否是這個意思。 
4.  Summarize the communication: If the other person already talked for quite some time, you could try to give it a summary, asking him/her if that captures the essence of the communication.
5.提供開放空間:為了不讓對方無話可說,可採取開放式意見或建議,例如「看來你很不高興,是什麼事讓你不高興呢?」儘量使用「是什麼 (what),避免使用「為什麼」(why)。
5.Allow some space for communication:  To avoid the awkwardness of silence, you could offer some suggestions to open up the interactions. For example, “You look quite unhappy today. Is there anything that has disturbed you?” Do employ the “what” but avoid the “why” type of questions. 
    傾聽既是簡單的,也是大有學問的。舊約《聖經》中就有一則溝通失敗的例子。所羅門王傳位給羅波安後,十二支派的首領前來覲見新王,請求減輕賦稅。這位年輕氣盛、莽撞輕浮的王,不僅不懂得「化干戈為玉帛,化敵人為朋友,化戾氣為祥和」的處世觀,隨便丟出一句不恰當、不得體的話:「我的小拇指頭比我父親的腰還粗;我父親使你們負重軛,我必使你們負更重的軛;我父親用鞭子責打你們,我要用蠍子鞭責打你們。」(王上12:10~11) 從此,國家分裂成南北兩國,內戰綿延,國庫虛空,國勢也日漸衰落。
    Listening is at once simple and complicated.  The Old Testament has one example of a poor communication. When King Solomon’s throne was passed down to Jeroboam, the leaders from the twelve tribes all came to pay homage to the new king, asking to alleviate the levy. However, this young and arrogant king did not know the principle of “dissolving hostile atmosphere into harmony, making friends out of enemies”, and flippantly replied: “My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.'”(1 Kings 12:10-11) Since then, the Kingdom was split into Northern and Southern Kingdom, with ongoing civil wars, draining the reserves in the Kingdom and so the whole nation was declining in power.
《聖經》另有一段美好的溝通範例,就是主耶穌與撒瑪利亞婦人之間的交談。主耶穌不僅留心聆聽這位婦人的反應和問話,更聽出了她的心聲。這一段經文成為良好溝通的典範。
Another positive example of good communication in the Bible happened between Jesus and the Samaritan woman.  Jesus not only listened with care what this woman said, but also discerned her heart cry.
溝通分析   Analysis of Communication 
溝通不是說來說去,而是用心建立關係。
Communication is more than just dialogues. It is the relationship-building between hearts.
溝通的藝術中首重瞭解對方言默之道。
One high priority in the art of communication is to discern the body language of the communicators.
溝通有直接溝通和迂迴溝通兩大途徑,也可以交互使用。Communication is composed of two main types, namely, direct communication, and indirect communication.  These two types can be used hand in hand.
企業管理方面,溝通的方式可分為口頭溝通、書面溝通和電訊溝通。溝通的管道可分為正式溝通和非正式溝通。溝通的方向可分為下行溝通、上行溝通和平行溝通三大流向。此外,根據溝通是否存有回饋,可分為單向溝通和雙向溝通。
In business management, communication can happen using oral communication, written communication, and electronic communication.  The venue of communication can be either formal or informal.  The direction of communication can be upward, downward or horizontal.  In addition, communication can be one-way or two-way depending if the communication gets responses.
溝通分析理論創始人艾瑞克.伯恩(Dr. Eric Berne)在《人間遊戲》(Games People Play: The basic handbook of transactional analysis)中將溝通加以分析後,提出以下三種溝通型態: Dr. Eric Berne, Psychiatrist and Creator of Transactional Analysis   in “Games People Play-- a basic handbook of transactional analysis”, he offers three types of communication:
1.互補型溝通 (Complementary Transactions),又稱為「平行溝通」;具有直來直往的開放特性。Complementary Transactions, also called Paralleled Communication, has the quality of straightforwardness and openness in the exchanges between communicators.
2.交錯型溝通 (Crossed Transactions) ,又稱為「交叉型溝通」;是退縮、逃避或轉換的溝通方式。Crossed Transactions, also called Diagonal Communication, is evasive, withdrawing and shifting topics in the process of communication.
3.曖昧型溝通( Ulterior Transactions )又稱為「內在溝通」或「隱藏溝通」;表面上以大眾可以接受的方式表達意願,實際上卻另有所指;意即一是表面的,一是暗藏的。
Ulterior Transactions, also called Inner Communication or Hidden Communication, uses seemingly acceptable ways of  expression to cover-up the hidden, insinuations beyond the superficial message.
溝通的方式  Methods of Communication
良好的溝通,首重清楚表達、用心聆聽,雙方進而產生共鳴。因此,用字譴詞、語氣聲調都十分重要。
Good communication should be clear, expressive, with attentive listening and two-way exchanges to reach understanding and synergy.  The words and tones used all are essential to the success of good communication. 
溝通的方式可分為「語言」和「非語言」兩部份。 
The methods of communication include both “verbal” and “non-verbal” communications.
一、語言的溝通:Verbal Communication:
語言可分成「理性語言」和「感性語言」,也就是表達情緒與感受,需要與期望的語言。
Language can be both rational or emotional in nature, expressing both the thoughts and emotions with desired languages that would justify the communicators’inner-world.
表達情緒與感受常用的詞句有:高興,快樂,孤單,失望,難過,惱怒,無聊,緊張,驚訝等。
Words that can communicate emotions are: thrilled, happy, lonely, disappointed, sad, angry, bored, nervous, surprised…etc.
表達需要與期望的語言有:我要,我想,盼望,夢想,期待,渴望,喜歡,希望等。
Words that can communication expectations are: I want, I desire, hope, desire, expect, yearn, like, dream, aspire…etc.
有效的語言溝通有「提問」與「聆聽」兩部份:Effective Verbal Communication is composed of “clarifying” and “listening”.
1、提問:釐清問題,不斷提出問題,以尋求真正了解對方為目標。
Clarifying: Asking questions to make sure that the listener understands exactly what the initiator of the communication is trying to point out.
2、聆聽:積極聆聽,適時回答,主動參與,記住對話,以助詞鼓勵對方繼續說下去。
Listening: Listen with proactive participation and express in affirmation every so often to insure smooth two-way communication.
二、非語言的溝通:Non-Verbal Communication:
包括動作、姿勢、臉色、眼神、呼吸聲等,可分為三類型:Includes: Action, gesture, facial expression, eye-contact, ways one breathes, and can be divided to three types:
1、動作學:即肢體動作或身體語言,包括姿勢、身體移動、面部表情等。點頭表示贊同,姿勢稍微前傾表現親切感,微笑表示歡迎。
Kinesics: Body language including postures, movement of body, facial expression.  Nodding signifying agreement, upper body incline suggests assuring attitude, smiling implies welcome.
2、次語言:即說話方式,包括音調、音量、頻率、速度等,還有傻笑、嘆氣、啜泣、咳嗽、打哈欠等。「嗯」、「哦」表示贊同外,有鼓勵繼續說下去的意思。
Sub-lingual factors: measures of speech, including volume, pitch, frequency, and speed of speech, and giggling, sighing, weeping, coughing, yawning etc. “Yes” “I see” suggests agreement, and encourages the flow of communication.
3、環境學:指空間的使用和感覺,如白天或夜晚、溫度與濕度、傢俱和裝潢、光線與噪音等。
Surroundings: the usage of space and the perception, like day or night, temperature, and humidity, furniture and décor, light and noise etc.
如何有效溝通  Effective Methods for Communication
溝通過程中,有「主動溝通方」和「被動溝通方」之分,而「感情色彩」的要素在溝通流程裡起著重要的作用。茲將「溝通 + 感情色彩 」劃分出三大溝通類型:
The process of communication can be either proactive or reactive in nature. The color of emotion plays an important factor in the flow of communication. Herein we are listing three types of combination for “Communication + Emotional Color”:
一、「心有靈犀型」:溝通雙方感情好,交流愉快有默契;是最佳溝通狀態,有利於人際互動與工作開展。        
“Striking a chord between the two”: The two sides have positive understanding , this is the ideal type of communication, encouraging the interactions.
二、「誤會矛盾型」:溝通雙方或一方存在芥蒂,形成交流彆扭,有程度不同的抵觸情緒,「主動溝通方」需注意溝通形式和委婉方法,否則易加深誤會矛盾,造成「被動溝通方」的片面理解,或形成對方不配合、沉默或機械接受的工作狀態。如溝通方式掌握不好,更可能有激化、加深誤會矛盾的趨勢。
“Misunderstanding and conflicting type”: Prejudices and assumptions have already distorted the perceptions of both parties before communication. Different levels of conflicting emotions are latent at the point of communication. To avoid partial distortion of the communication, the initiator of the communication needs to tactfully use measures that would ease the tension to avoid impasse or dead silence. Poor communication would potentially irritate or worsen the already existing prejudice.
三、「抗拒抵觸型」:從行為科學分析,抗拒抵觸型現象是最不利於溝通。「被動溝通方」抗拒和不配合、陽奉陰違、我行我素,甚至形成水火不相容的局面;由於本能的抗拒、排斥的心理,繼而出現拉幫結派,形成小團體;雙方矛盾非常容易激化。
    “Resistant and confrontational type”: From the standpoint of the Behavior Science, this is the most non-conducive type of communication.  “Reactive communicator” usually resists and is non-compliant to the rules that would result in positive communication, resulting in combustive explosions of emotions. Out of the instinct for self- defense, the conflicting sides can become polarized in attitude and forms partisan or cliques if the communication is not handled well.
溝通四類型  Four Types of Communication
心理學家將人類溝通的型態區分為社交型、控制型、尋求型、重點型等四大類型,簡述如下:
Psychologists have categorized the common human communications into four basic types:
1.「社交型溝通」:是表面的溝通,談論不干己的事,無關痛癢的應酬話;最常聽見的是「今天天氣很好」、「你好」或「今天下午開會」等公事報告;不將個人的想法、感情或感受投入其中。
Social communication: a superficial, non-personal communication,  that speaks non-essential topics that would not arouse any personal reactions. The most often topics are “What a nice weather we have today.” “How have you been?”  or “ We have a meeting this afternoon.” Etc. Factual in nature and does not involve any personal opinion and emotion.
2.「控制型溝通」:以壓倒對方的氣勢,試圖改變對方的想法、作法或立場的溝通。說話者往往使用命令式,有時以爭吵或抱怨的語氣說話;而傾聽者則以刻薄的態度尋求說話者的語病,例如:「你真沒有用,事情總是辦不好。」
Manipulative communication: an overpowering and domineering style of communication seeking to convince or impose one’s thought to another.  The communicator tends to adopt commanding tones and gestures, even combative or complaining at times to get the point across, while the listener tends to react with cutting words to pick out the flaws of the communicator’s language.  For example: “What a loser. You never can get anywhere!”
3.「尋求型溝通」:著眼於認識和尋求更多的資訊,經常使用審問人的方式,亦稱為「員警式溝通」;例如,「你也許還有其他的計劃吧?」、「恐怕還有事,你沒有說出來」等。
Explorative communication: focuses on discovering and exploring for more resources, employing methods to bring out more answers, therefore, is also called “Private Inspector communication”; For example, “Do you have other suggestion to this project?” “ Are there things you did not clarify yet?”
4.「重點型溝通」:專注傾聽、積極回應,暫時放下自身的想法,設身處地理解對方要傳達的訊息重點;是人格較為深層的溝通,目的是尊重和理解對方。
Focused communication: attentive listening, proactive response, temporarily laying down one’s own thinking to put oneself in another person’s shoes to seek understanding of the message of the communicator; This is a deeper level of communication and reaches the goal of mutual respect and understanding.
生命溝通  Life Communication
最後,還有一種溝通,也是最重要的溝通,那就是「生命的溝通」。
Finally, there is one more kind of communication, and the most important kind, which is “Life Communication.”
基督徒在溝通時,毫無保留地分享耶穌基督在自己身上的恩典,甚至將自私和軟弱暴露人前,這是最深層的溝通,這種溝通著重於內容而非技巧。
Christians sometime would bare their souls to communicate what Jesus has accomplished through His grace in their lives at the expense of exposing their own inner weaknesses and vulnerabilities.  This is the deepest kind of communication, the focus of which is on the content rather than the method.
然而,技巧可幫助人改善溝通的藝術,使人學習更好地理解人、尊重人和愛人;尤其遇到棘手問題時,換一句話表達意見,使人際關係更加順暢,生命更加豐盛。
However, we should never underestimate the value of the art of communication. Proper applications can contribute to more understanding, respect and love toward others.  When facing thorny issues, a positive communication might enhance personal relationship and enrich lives.
基督徒相信「聖徒相通」,這是以整個生命,將個人優缺點都呈現在他人面前。正如《聖經》把每一位偉人的優缺點全都擺列出來,其生命透過聖靈能與眾聖徒相互溝通,是最真實、具有無窮感染力的溝通。
Christians believe in “fellowship of the saints”. This is to bring out the best inner qualities of individuals.  The Bible has laid bare the strengths and weaknesses of great saints and the transparency of the fellowship between the Holy Spirit and the saints is the most touching and contagious kind of communication.
詩人「大江東去」、「橫看成嶺側成峰」的情境,哲人「逝者如斯」的意境,以心筆描繪出心中的情話,與後世讀者們產生文字共鳴的溝通。
Chinese poets’ famous quotes “the eastward river of no return” and “mountain in profile, turns to a peak with a varied angle” and the philosopher’s sigh of “fleeing time disappears like the ever-running river” all depict the inner world that resonates thousands of years later.
詩人大衛一句「我的心平穩安靜,好像斷過奶的孩子在他母親的懷中。」(詩131:2) 讓憂思氣質的我,驚羨於他內心寧靜安穩之源。
David the Psalmist’s utterance “But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.”(Psalm 131:2) caused my melancholic nature to envy the inner fountain of his serenity. 
上帝是愛,祂也是愛的源頭。上帝造人為要與人建立愛的關係,也是你我被造崇高的目的。God is love, and He is the fountain of love.  God created men with the desire for a loving relationship.  This is the ultimate purpose why you and I were created.
我深知    神渴望與人溝通,2004年6月讚美之泉出版的第九專輯──深觸我心,《深深愛你》一曲流露出我對上帝最深層的愛慕: I know so well that God desires to have communication with His people.  In the 9th album of Streams of Praise in June, 2004, “Touching My Inner-Most Being” in “Deeply in Love with You” expresses my deepest yearning for God:
「我生命中最渴望的一件事,切慕你,單單尋求你; The greatest thing in all my life is to long for you, and seek you along
   用我全心全意,用我全力愛你,敬拜你讓你榮耀充滿全地。With my whole heart and my whole mind, I want to love you with my whole heart, to worship you till the whole earth is filled with your glory.
  深深愛你,耶穌,我愛你超越生命中一切。
Loving you , Jesus, I love you more than everything in life.
    哦!我愛你,耶穌。」O, how I love you, Jesus
當向主耶穌傾心吐意,表達內心對上帝的愛意與感恩;在靈交中感受聖靈同在的平安與喜樂,讓天父上帝綿延不斷的愛如春雨沛臨。
Crying your hearts out to Jesus, expressing your inner thanksgiving and affection to him, and you will have the peace and joy of fellowship with the Holy Spirit, and the rain of spring showering in your life with His everlasting love.
     (刊登於《傳揚福音雜誌 》原《台福通訊》  Vol.38    四月號  2007年   陳吳郁娜    譯    translated by:  Violet Chen)
經文分享:
   「我的心平穩安靜,好像斷過奶的孩子在他母親的懷中。」
(詩131:2) I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.”(Psalm 131:2)
   「未曾聽完先回答的,便是他的愚昧和羞辱。」(箴18:13)  He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame. (Proverbs 18:13)
   「你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說……存溫柔的心領受那所栽種的道。」(雅1:19, 21)  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, … and humbly accept the word planted in you (James 1:19,21)